Red Day Ramblings

Sometimes, there is just too much red.

If you don't know what I mean, don't worry.  Someday you will.

And I'm sorry for that.

Musings on Real Life

I made love here once.  In a field of yellow tulips.

Once upon a time, when life made sense every time he said, "Forever, Sweet Girl."

It's funny, I got a once upon a time, and learned that there is no happily ever after.

Not for me.  Not anymore.

But like I said, I am loved, I have loved and I am grateful.

This is why I adore fandom.

The wonderful animatedbrowneyes made me this little vidlet for my fic Nowhere Left to Run.  Enjoy.

Ramblings on death

“If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...Would you slow down? Or speed up?” ~Chuck Palahniuk

I wanted to die once.  No changing costumes.  No coming back.  I was all alone.  And the world is a very scary place when you are all alone.


Judith Kitchen once wrote, "...tell her there are many ways to die and each is lonely."


I don't want to be lonely.
I don't want to die.  Not today.
So Chuck, I choose to slow down.  
To savor each kiss, each laugh, each love.

Because we all die.  And it will be lonely.

A Cluttered Commentary on text messages from hell

So here's how it went down.

Him:  I miss you.  Call me.
Me:  Don't you have a girlfriend?  Call her.
Him:  Just talk to me baby.
Me:  Do you, or do you not have a girlfriend?
Him:  I just want to hear your voice.
Me:  That wasn't an answer.
Him:  Can I at least call and say happy belated birthday?
Me:  Still not an answer.
Him:  I just want to talk.
Me:  And yet, you still can't answer a simple question.  Go away.

Because I'm still worth more than you.

A Reflection on why 2 am phone calls never end well

"I want to be lost poem in a stranger's coast pocket that conveys the importance you." From Chelsea Walls

Fuck that.

I want you to be a poem worthy of me.

But you never learn, do you?

A Cluttered Commentary on Heartbreak

"Have you ever been in love?  Horrible, isn't it?  It makes you vulnerable.  It opens your chest and opens your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.  You build up all these defenses.  You build up this whole armor, for years, so no one can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you.  They don't ask for it.  They do something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't yours anymore.  Love takes hostages.  It gets inside you.  It eats you out an leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its' way into your heart.  It hurts.  Not just in the mind.  It's a soul hurt, a body hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.  I hate love." ~Neil Gaiman

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Think positive, I tell him, though I don't really believe it myself.  The world could slow and stop and end all life.  End all love.  But it won't.  Won't slow and won't stop.  Tomorrow we'll all wake in the same beds we fell asleep in.  We'll wake tired and alone and sore from too much pain and loss and beauty.  Just too much.

But I love her, he says.
And I know. But what else can I say?
What else is there?


Remember beauty.


There is so much beauty.  There is so much beauty.  There is so much beauty.  There is so much beauty.  There is so much beauty.  There is so much beauty.  There is so much beauty.  There is so much beauty.  There is so much beauty.  There is so much beauty.  There is so much beauty.  There is so much beauty.  There is so much.

Because even when your heart is broken, there is so much.